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FEELING:
LIKES:
Inner-Peace.
DISLIKES:
Inner-Turmoil.
BOOK I'M READING:
SONGS:
Float On - Modest Mouse
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2
Karma Police - Radiohead
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream. -Vincent Van Gogh
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I'm writing here because I need to write and my msn space doesn't seem to be working.
Where did that come from?
Was there an ulterior motive?
Did you really just want to talk?
I hope the answer is yes.
...I think.
I miss you.
You hurt me.
We had an amazing night.
I opened up to you.
I was only gone for 3 weeks.
...you knew I was coming back.
I finally "brought you back something nice"...
You didn't see my pictures.
You didn't hear my stories.
You didn't let me in.
I was going to give you my all.
What was so bad?
You couldn't wait?
We used to talk for hours...
everyday...
Then you stopped.
I was never anything but good to you.
Don't I deserve a goodbye?
Don't I deserve an explanation?
Didn't I deserve a chance??
You allowed me to keep making an ass out of myself.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
She was right there and I didn't even know.
Why did I have to find out from someone else.
Why did I have to hear your harsh words from someone else.
There was no need for harsh words.
Words at all in the first place would have worked just fine.
If only I had said some words sooner.
I know I shouldn't beat myself up.
I am an awesome person.
You probably weren't good for me anyway...
But I loved talking with you...
I loved laying with you.
I loved you joking with me.
But I can never help thinking, if only I had said this...
I always see what went wrong after...
When it's too late...
Is it too late?
I don't want to know her name.
I don't ever want to see her,
I don't ever want to hear about her.
She had to have seen me come talk to you that day.
Did she ask you about me?
What did you tell her?
Were they good things?
or did you tell her I hadn't "got the hint"
what was wrong with me?
...did you tell her about us?
you didn't tell me about her.
I hope her seeing me stirred things up.
I hope she asked who I was.
I'm glad I didn't know she was there.
I'm glad I didn't know she existed at the time...
...though, if I did, I would not have gone over there...
I hope you got in trouble for it.
But I hope you said nice things about me.
I only ever said nice things about you.
Why did you talk to me just now?
I couldn't stop thinking about you all day...
well... at least I did off and on...
between other things that I've been distracting myself with
I miss you.
Why did you come on here and act nice.
I don't want you to pitty me.
I want you to want me.
I want this other girl to be all just a bad dream.
I want to wake up tomorrow and for her to be gone.
I want to be able to talk to you again.
I want you to make an effort.
I want you to come visit me again.
I want you to visit me often.
I want you to want to see me.
I want you to want to be with me.
I don't want to burn your shirt.
I want to be able to wear it or touch it and not think of her.
I want to give it back to you.
But I don't want to give it back to you thinking as I'm handing it back over to you that I may never see you again.
Don't talk to me because you feel bad.
Don't talk to me just because you want your shirt back.
Talk to me because you miss me.
Talk to me because you want to apologize.
Talk to me because it's over with her.
Talk to me because you realize you made a mistake.
Talk to me because I don't deserve to be treated the way you did.
Talk to me because you like to.
Talk to me because you miss me.
Or else...
Maybe...
Don't talk to me at all.
If you don't miss me.
If you don't want me back.
If you're not sorry.
Then don't talk to me.
Let me try to move on.
But please miss me...
Wednesday, August 23, 2006 12:13 a.m.
Wow. It's been a long time since I did anything on here.
I've got a new site/blog now... and I was going to come on here to say that I'm not going to write here anymore... but now that I'm here... I... well, I wouldn't say I miss it necessarily... but I like what I have here. It does have some freedoms that the other site doesn't. (And vice versa of course.) So we'll see.
For now... if you know my other site, go to it. If you don't know it... too bad for you 'cause I'm not going to tell you. (Unless you ask, then I might. Depends who you are.) Night!
Monday, March 28, 2005 03:05 a.m.
Thoughts currently going through my head:
There aren't enough weekends in February.
I wonder if they'd notice if I slept through work tomorrow.
I want to go out and party. I do. But I'm too tired.
I don't want to start drinking coffee.
I will not.
It's disgusting.
I hope Kerri and I find a day to go shopping in Toronto together.
I hope I can work out hanging out with Laurel & Caitlin.
I hope my driving lesson tomorrow doesn't suck.
I wonder if I'll ever watch Shrek 1 now that I've seen Shrek 2 first.
My room's a mess.
I want a boy.
Man.
I need to go get a new passport application.
Should I go to Ireland or Italy?
Or Hawaii?
I should go to bed.
And have nice dreams about a man.... yes. That is what I'll do.
Night.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 11:45 p.m.
Wow. Being depressed is fucking expensive when you are no longer covered by a health plan.
Monday, January 31, 2005 08:53 p.m.
Right now I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up at the overwhelming expanse of what I'm about to climb... dreading the climb itself... feeling ill just thinking about it... and I'm scared... but I know it has to be done. I have a lot of work to do.
Sunday, January 2, 2005 01:16 p.m.
It was probably a silly idea anyway...
Monday, December 27, 2004 06:17 p.m.
Here's a little story that I have to tell
About somebody that I thought I knew real well
It seems lately they haven't been respecting me
Or treating me with proper dignity
Well, I don't need you
To treat me this way
The more I seem to give you, well the less I get
And I'm tired of living in this world of lies and regret
What should I do?
I'm wastin' all my lovin' on someone like you
If you don't like me for what you see
Well then tell me baby and set me free
Cuz' what you see is what you get
Please remember this is it
What you see is what you get
What you see is what you get
Once there was a time when I needed you
And I looked past all the things that you put me through
Well I let my heart lead me and it lead me blind
But it won't lead me back to you this time
Well, I don't need you
To treat me this way
The more I gave to you, well the less I got
If you thought I was about to take it
Well I'm not!
What should I do?
I can't waste my lovin' on someone like you
You don't appreciate the things you see
So now it's time for you to just set me free
Cuz' what you see is what you get
Please remember this is it
What you see is what you get
What you see is what you get
What should I do?
I'm wastin' all my lovin' on someone like you
If you don't like me for what you see
Well then tell me baby and set me free
Cuz' what you see is what you get
Please remember this is it
What you see is what you get
What you see is what you get
Bye bye baby goodbye!
Thursday, December 16, 2004 10:08 p.m.
kicking you is easy when you're down that's where the weak know
to release their anger on someone who will not try
to stand up, and give them a fight...
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 10:33 p.m.
I don't know how much longer I can wait....
Friday, December 10, 2004 08:18 p.m.
I often think about how far I have come shyness-wise... since before I started working at F&C... and since I started high school... and I have come far... I'm come out of myself a fair bit.... but I am still too often paralyzed by my own shyness... or fear... that I end up not communicating at all or at least not in the most effective manner. And it bugs me.
I feel much more effectively than I speak. That's for damn sure. I can feel things... but to put feelings (or even thoughts) into words is sometimes next to impossible.
Rick will not drop the 'boyfriend' subject lately...
he finds it incomprehensible that I haven't been "snagged up" or something... which, is flattering... but I don't need a constant reminder of my status... I suppose it's kinda sweet... saying stuff like 'what's wrong with these guys your age?'... :p (and no Rick, you are not going to magically turn 20 years younger... and I am not going to magically start going for "much older" men... so you can drop that topic too.) And yes, I know it's Christmas... and I am single. But that is okay. It is okay to be single during the holidays. It is okay to be single anytime. It is also okay to be attached. That would be fine too. :p But I'm not on a serious hunting mission, I do not devote my every waking hour to the hunt for men.... as hard as that may be to believe. No, I don't go out all the time... I'm busy right now.... and what business is it of yours if I'm "getting myself out there"? Geez Louise.
I dunno... I just brush it off. But it's kinda weird for him to be so interested in my romantic life....
It is nice to hear that it makes his day when I'm the one to receive the orders he drops off... but how many other girls on his route does he say that too... *rolls eyes* Oh well.
This talk of guys letting me get away though, makes me think of the couple of really sweet ones I've let get away myself... not that I majorly regret any of those decisions, it's kinda a melancholic type thing... but mainly I just admire those guys... for how genuine they are. Thinking of them helps me focus, and realize what I deserve etc... (and them reminding me that I deserve better than what I've got so far helps too. :p)
I love genuine people... like this woman I giftwrapped stuff for at work today... we had a nice chit-chatty type convo... I can't even remember what we were talking about now... just small-talk... found something we had in common and talk about that... I was only with her and her husband for under five minutes, but when I handed them their parcels said & said Merry Christmas... she turned to me and said "Best wishes to you."... and you could just tell she genuinely meant it... even though I'd only known her for a few minutes... that's cool.
That's all I'm saying. Night.
Thursday, December 2, 2004 09:44 p.m.
I haven't wrote in here in a while.
I am tired. This past week seemed to go by slowly... the weekdays anyway, probably because I worked so many hours. I don't know. The weekend went by quickly though. Concert yesterday, concert today.
We hardly got any stock in this past week... so starting tomorrow we're going to get swamped... which means I may end up working late... but hopefully not. I need to have Kristin time. I need to go shopping.
Next weekend party at Michele's on Friday... work all day Saturday, staff xmas party Saturday night... work all day Sunday... then leave from work to go to Oakville to see Papa... then Monday off hopefully. :)
On Friday, I went to see Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason with Kerri. SOooooooooo good! :p
Want to see it again. With Dulcie. In Toronto. :p Or not... wherever.
I don't know why I'm typing this. I'm tired... but I came on here 'cause I felt like I has something to say. I have a lot more than just my schedule on my mind. Thoughts... and questions... and pros and cons... and blah blah blah... but all I can talk about is my stupid schedule... freakin' token entries..... it's like when someone asks you what's new... and all you say is 'Not much'... even though there is lots new... I just can't seem to find words for anything.
Blah. I hate that.
I'm going to bed now.
Sunday, November 28, 2004 11:47 p.m.
I just had a great night with my Dad. He came with me to see 'Goodnight Disgrace' and when we came out the doors of City Hall, the snow was falling... and we drove home sipping hot chocolate... and it was so nice... peaceful... and then my Dad pointed out the Northern Lights... which were the most amazing I have ever seen... bursting all around and shooting up, meeting straight above us. (And the music on the radio was perfect... I felt like I was in a movie... or at least I new I was in the middle of a memory that I'll look back upon. I was in a moment. And I actually shed a tear. :p) Man, I love my Dad. We have great car rides together. I know I'm being all mushy... first a night with my Mom this weekend... then tonight with my Dad. I didn't actually "go out" at all this weekend. But I feel so awesome... and when Dad and I got home I ran in the house to get Mom and Al to come outside too... and we all stood outside on the lawn. So... mushy... but so nice.
Sunday, November 7, 2004 11:37 p.m.
Last night I hung out with my Mom. She took me driving (ie in the Central parking lot :p)... we had an awesome talk. It was really cool. I generally don't get to spend much time with her as she's always working... but last night was nice. We went to Video Plus... and rented Something's Gotta Give. (Which Mom slept through entirely... and I quite liked.)... and while we were at Video Plus.... I found Singin' In the Rain (deluxe edition) on the previously viewed movies rack... which I have now proclaimed to be my favourite movie. Mmmm... so nice.
I should probably go get some stuff done... 'cause the next couple weekends are going to be pretty busy. Later.
Saturday, November 6, 2004 11:51 a.m.
I'll be better soon.
Monday, November 1, 2004 07:59 p.m.
when u love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood... - fruit bats
Monday, October 25, 2004 06:26 p.m.
I needed a clean slate.
Sunday, August 22, 2004 09:31 p.m.
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MORE QUOTES:
Dialogue is the oxygen of change. - Jim Maclachlan
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"A man always has two reasons for what he does--a good one and the real one."
John Pierpont Morgan
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